The Second Guy on the List

Hey,

I’m just drafting this letter right now. Don’t have the courage yet to click on the send button.  Not yet. Sometimes I just wonder for a moment if confessing my feelings for you was a good idea. Not that I hold on to that thought for more than a moment, because that chain invariably leads me to the wonderful memories and pure happiness you have given me. And happiness has been something in short supply over the last few years.

I always knew at the back of my mind that someday you’ll have to take sides and decide who rules your heart. I’ve summoned up enough courage to have thought to ask you about it, but the words never escaped my lips. And perhaps a part of me was scared because I knew the answer, and I knew I could never come to terms with the fact that I was fighting a losing battle for your heart.

When we drifted apart, you said you were doing everything to make this relationship happen and make it last forever. I had other priorities then, and sadly this wasn’t too high on that list. But I still made a promise to myself that should I be able to sort out my list, I’ll formally propose to you and make you mine forever.

We continued to share that beautiful relationship even after parting ways, and we even found comfort in each others’ arms whenever we met. The way we lost ourselves for that moment when we hugged, I always gave myself an outside chance to redeeming myself.

Things have turned out to be otherwise. Thanks for sharing your feelings. They’ve told me where I stand. And hence this letter. By the time you read this letter, you’ll be (hopefully) happily married to the true love of your life. Please don’t hold yourself responsible for anything. We must all, if only once, follow our heart. And so you’ve done nothing wrong in doing that. I may or may not have moved on. And if I’ve not, don’t be sad that I’ve found it difficult to do it, but remember that I’m just so stuck on you that even trying to move on seems worthless. And that feeling is beautiful. I may come across a girl who will fall as hard for me as I did for you. But what’s the point in leading her down a path that makes her heart bleed?

I’m prudent enough to make sure you read this letter at such a time when you’ll have more important relationships to justify. So even if this letter brings some distance between us, I won’t worry too much, and neither should you. Just try to look at this like a Kaleidoscope. A kaleidoscope contains broken shards of colourful glass and bangles. Rotate it and they rearrange themselves in a jagged, haphazard manner, but a beautiful mosaic which is nothing short of a miracle emerges. It doesn’t matter if they are perfectly joined or in progressive shades. What is left, what is important is the pattern that they contribute to and help create.

Life,  for me,  is that kaleidoscope. We are the broken shards of colourful glass. Time is what moves us into ever changing patterns of beautiful, often symbiotic relationships. It doesn’t matter that we are quirky, imperfect, and with gaps between the closest of us, without the hint of a glue. What matters is whether we help create a splendid pattern. That is what makes life beautiful.

Knowing you, I’m probably leaving you in tears. And that hurts like hell. You have a letter from me, written long ago which also moved you to tears. Please burn it. It’s best to dust off what wasn’t meant to be.

In love with you forever, I remain

The second guy on the list.